Lowest point
by Rudda23
Summary: As her world has crumbled around her, Tsunade makes a desperate plea to Jiraiya. Set during the second shinobi war, this is a story about the relationship between the two sannin as they struggle to cope with a tough reality.


**Lowest point.**

Late at night Jiraiya was in his bed, having just been released from the cramped hospital a little too early. He had overexerted himself on his last mission. Used too much chakra and got a nasty cut on the right side of his torso.

It never seemed to end. Too many things had happened in war now for him to even remember them all. In the end he was lucky to have so few people close too him. Seeing as all three of them were still alive. But the collective suffering of the village, and the suffering of his team, wore him down.

He was sick and tired. All the dangerous missions, and the grey and downcast village he always returned to. He was just so sick and tired.

He never thought he would get a visitor at such a late hour, but he was pleasantly surprised when Tsunade suddenly came into the room. She wasn't the same anymore. She used to be brimming with life and confidence, but having lost all she loved, she was a pale and fragile girl now.

While Jiraiya had worked himself up to having two teammates and a teacher as the only people in his life, Tsunades life had been reduced down to it. He knew he could never replace her family, but it still bothered him that he couldn't help her as much as he wanted to. She looked tired and broken these days.

"Hi hime. It's so nice to see you."

"Hello Jiraiya. Are you alright?"

"I'll be fine Tsunade-hime. It's nothing serious."

"Good..."

The silence got awkward between them. Tsunade was struggling with something, but she couldn't get it out.

"I'm really grateful you came to visit me Tsunade-hime. I know it's difficult for you. It really means a lot to me, you know."

"Jiraiya... you... you need to stop going to those brothels."

Jiraiya groaned as he turned away and he pinched the bridge of his nose. He didn't need this sort of discussion now.

"Tsunade, please."

"I need you to stop it Jiraiya."

He stole a glance at her from the corner his eye. He could tell she was really angry from the the look in her eyes.

"Why does it matter? I'm not hurting anyone. Besides, I can count on one hand how many times I've gone."

"I don't care how many times you've been. You have to promise me you'll stop it!"

Jiraiya lowered his arm and looked at her. He could tell she was exhausted, furious and desperate all in one. But he was just the same, and his frustration came through.

"Come on Tsunade. You make it out like I'm the worst guy in the village. I'm not married and I'm not even in a relationship."

"I didn't say that! I didn't say that you were the worst man in the village. And you're hurting me Jiraiya."

"What do you want me to do? Live like a monk? Just find someone? In case you didn't know I'm still the same weirdo loner I always was. No one in the village sees me any differently than before."

"Why do you go to those horrible places Jiraiya?"

Jiraiya turned away from her and closed his eyes. He couldn't stand to look at her. He felt so vulnerable and insecure when she asked that. He had never had an argument on such a personal level before. So he just said the first thing that came to mind.

"I didn't want to die a virgin. Just wanted to know what it was all about."

"You went because of me and Dan didn't you?"

Jiraiya punched the mattress in frustration, before he put his head in his hands. This was too much, too painful. Tsunade walked over to him and grabbed his shoulder harshly. She asked him again:

"You went because of me and Dan, Jiraiya. Didn't you?"

"I don't know. Maybe... most likely. I can't think of another reason... yes..."

He dropped his hands and looked at her with watery eyes.

"Fine! Happy now? I won't go anymore. I'll live in solitude if that doesn't hurt you. Just... stop it. Please."

Tsunade sat down next to him and put her hand on his cheek. Jiraiya thought she looked so lifeless, she didn't look the same anymore.

"I didn't say you should be all alone Jiraiya. Use me instead."

Jiraiya couldn't believe what he heard. She said it so straightforward, so casually.

"Tsunade, what are you saying?"

Tsunade wrapped her arms around Jiraiya and pressed her ear to his heart. Jiraiya, still surprised, put his arms around Tsunade as she began:

"A long time ago Jiraiya, my grandmother told me that those who love someone who loves them back are truly fortunate. And that usually you would have to choose between someone you love or someone that loves you. I made the wrong choice."

He could feel pressure and aching in his chest, but nothing about this felt right.

"No, no, no Tsunade. You don't have to do this. You don't owe me anything. You didn't do anything wrong hime."

Tsunade grabbed his collar and looked up at him. Her eyes filled with pain.

"Then why has everything gone so horribly wrong? Everything I've done has ended with pain and misery. Nothing is right. I've done nothing right at all."

She buried her face in his chest and began crying. Again, all that Jiraiya could do to help her was to hold her in his arms. Her hands holding him in a vice. There was a great lump in his throat. What could he say? He pressed his nose and mouth at the top of her head as he held her firm.

"I considered you Jiraiya, I really did. But I always thought you were so stupid for being in love with me. I thought you were stupid for trying so hard all the time to impress me and asking me for dates. But I was the stupid one."

Suddenly she pulled him down and kissed him. Jiraiya panicked. She pushed their faces together roughly, almost violent. He felt himself dipping in and out of returning the kiss. One moment he went in deeply, wrestling tongues and all, the next he tried to get away. But he was tired and she was relentless. Conflicting emotions ran through his mind at great speed. He needed to end this before it went to far.

Somehow his mind reasoned that groping her breast would get her to stop. He took a handful with his left hand and sure enough her hand pulled it away as a reflex. As he had distracted one of her arms, he managed to get away from the kiss and he pulled her body into his so she couldn't start again so easily.

They both needed to regain their breath, after the ordeal, before Jiraiya asked:

"Did that make you feel better?"

Tsunade slumped in his hold, and she replied:

"No... I'm sorry."

"It's okay Tsunade-hime. No harm done. I always wanted to kiss you, but this was a little much."

All energy seemed to leave Tsunades body, and Jiraiya was sure she would collapse in a heap if he wasn't holding her. He knew she was broken inside, but all that had just happened made it all the more real to him. She wasn't acting like herself at all. He had to help her, bring the old Tsunade back. The girl he loved more than anything. But he didn't know what to do.

He stroked her hair as that both sat like that for a while. He felt her perk up a little and she began speaking again:

"Jiraiya, I want to love you. I want to love you so much. I want you and me to be happy. It would be so easy if I hadn't hurt you so much. You love me, and you've done everything you can for me. Why can't I bring myself to love you?!"

"Hime." Jiraiya began as he made long strokes on her back. "You don't need to love me. Don't force yourself. You're really hurting right now."

"Shut up! I don't care! I don't care if it's not the same as me and Dan, and I don't care if it's not the way it's _supposed_ to be. I need something good in my life. This is the only way I can make it good by you Jiraiya. I have to do this."

"...Tsunade-hime."

"If I ever see you with another girl I'll kill you Jiraiya. You have to be mine... you just have to. I'll do anything. Please."

Jiraiya couldn't leave her like this. He did love her. He didn't want it like this, but he had to help her. She was his weakness. He could never say no to her. He promised himself he would, from that day on, do everything in his power to make her happy again. Even if it meant doing this in a way he never wanted. His heart was against it, it shouldn't be like this, but he felt he had to.

"I'll do anything for you Tsunade-hime. I love you."

"Thank you Jiraiya."


End file.
